Who's News.
Sunday looks to be a homework marathon, therefore I'm providing Who's News a little early. I'll try to post something on the Sabbath, but if not, hopefully this'll do ya' for now.
WHO'S NEWS
What? Sunday already? That means it’s time to loosen the noose long enough to dig through the trash bin—excuse me, mailbox—and answer this week’s letters to Who’s News.
A reminder—and I’m not kidding here, folks—these are actual letters sent by actual people to Who’s News, the celebrity Q & A section of USA Weekend. Iran broke the seals of its nuclear facilities this week in order to produce nuclear weapons to “blow Israel off the map.” Meanwhile, people took time out of their oppressed American lives to pen the following monosyllabic masterpieces to a gossip columnist.
Former president Bill Clinton was a Rhodes scholar. Did he finish all the requirements for a degree? ‑ Tim Wilson, San Mateo, CA
If Bill Clinton is so smart, Tim…then why didn’t he wait 'til after Paula Jones got the nose job to proposition her?
Just kidding! We here at Admin Worm are fully supportive of the women's movement. It's important for women to break through the glass ceiling. It's easier to see up their skirts that way!
Bill Clinton did indeed finish the requirements for a degree, Tim. Specifically, he:
According to Jim is the television program I use as a reference point to communicate my utter disdain for pop culture. Fat dad, bitchy mom, petulant kids, antagonistic yet loving relationship, yearly appearance by Dan Akroyd and John Goodman during Sweeps Week to resurrect the Blues Brothers, you get the idea. The three F’s of comedy: Formula, formula, FORMULA.
And you, Kevin Morris, come right out and admit that you not only watch that turd of a show, but you care enough to scrawl a letter for the whole country to see asking for details on one of its stars. Amazing. Simply amazing.
Wow, I have to tell you that as a blogger, it doesn’t get any better than this. If a doctor told me today that I have hand cancer (which runs in my family) and that my blogging days are over, I could retire a very happy man. My love life would be shot to hell, but it would be worth it.
Masturbation joke: Ba-BOOM-boom!
I hear there is going to be a sixth Rocky movie. Details, please. – Ann Mitchell, Bellingham, MA
Gee, Ann. Mum’s the word in Hollywood regarding the latest Rocky movie, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Sly Stallone will portray an aging prizefighter who faces seemingly insurmountable obstacles but then, against all odds and towards the end of the movie, ultimately proves victorious in a bloody, courageous battle to a backdrop of triumphant music.
Again, that’s merely a hunch. Do not—I repeat, DO NOT—place any wagers on that in Vegas, or at the Indian casino you’re more likely to visit, pissing away your children’s’ inheritance waiting for the big payoff.
Was your question serious, by the way? Did you honestly think that Rocky VI would be a science fiction movie or something? Or did you think that maybe Michael Moore would direct this one and it would be about how George Bush was responsible for the demise of Dolph Lundgren’s career? Toss me a bone, Ann: Give me some reason to believe that you had your tongue firmly in cheek when you wrote that letter. I have a razor blade to my wrist and anxiously await your reply.
I am a huge fan of John Travolta. Will there ever be a Welcome Back, Kotter reunion? ‑ Jamie Christenson, Bridgewater, NY
You’re a huge fan? You should try Weight Watchers.
Admin Worm is environmentally-friendly: We recycle jokes as often as possible!
Anyway, I’m sure there’s nothing multi-millionaire movie star John Travolta would rather do, Jamie, than have a reunion to remind himself and the world of his embarrassing, humble beginnings on the abysmal sitcom Welcome Back Kotter. And since the careers of everyone else on the show have been on fire since the show’s demise, it wouldn’t be awkward in the slightest for them to be in the same room together!
Gabe Kaplan, for instance, could take a leave of absence from the Blockbuster he manages in order to appear. Horshack might just be able to pull himself away from his lucrative porn career (billed as Hung like a Horshack) long enough to catch up with his fellow sweat hogs. And who could forget the other ones, what’s-his-name and 
whosit, the Hispanic and the black guy. You know, the ones who sign glossy photos at auto shows near the General Lee exhibit.
Yeah, Jamie, look for a Welcome Back Kotter reunion right about the time Tom Hanks announces a Bosom Buddies retrospective. Next on the Actor’s Studio, we feature several Oscar winners writhing uncomfortably as we show clips of their commercials and sitcom appearances.
Well, as my wife says after our intimacy, “I’m glad that’s over for another week.” Thanks to everyone who wrote for putting that extra chromosome to good use by penning letters to Who’s News. Your homework assignment for this week: Watch a half hour of news for every hour of sitcoms.
WHO'S NEWS
What? Sunday already? That means it’s time to loosen the noose long enough to dig through the trash bin—excuse me, mailbox—and answer this week’s letters to Who’s News.
A reminder—and I’m not kidding here, folks—these are actual letters sent by actual people to Who’s News, the celebrity Q & A section of USA Weekend. Iran broke the seals of its nuclear facilities this week in order to produce nuclear weapons to “blow Israel off the map.” Meanwhile, people took time out of their oppressed American lives to pen the following monosyllabic masterpieces to a gossip columnist.
Former president Bill Clinton was a Rhodes scholar. Did he finish all the requirements for a degree? ‑ Tim Wilson, San Mateo, CA
If Bill Clinton is so smart, Tim…then why didn’t he wait 'til after Paula Jones got the nose job to proposition her?
Just kidding! We here at Admin Worm are fully supportive of the women's movement. It's important for women to break through the glass ceiling. It's easier to see up their skirts that way!
Bill Clinton did indeed finish the requirements for a degree, Tim. Specifically, he:
- Completed all required credit hours.
- Performed 1,000 hours of volunteer service in the community.
- Banged the entire cheerleading squad.
- Maintained a cumulative 3.5 GPA throughout his tenure in college.
- Consumed the required 6,000 gallons of Old Milwaukee via homemade beer bong.
- Completed 2,080 hours of an internship in his field.
- Harvested six hymens.
- Completed his thesis.
- For extra credit, he married a lesbian.
- Graduated Magna Cum Stain.
Does Larry Joe Campbell, who plays Andy on the ABC comedy According to Jim have any relatives who were in show business? ‑ Kevin Morris, Maple Valley, WA
Oh…my…God. This is so…freaking…awesome!
You, Kevin Morris of Maple Valley, Washington, win this week’s—nay, this YEAR’S—coveted WHO GIVES A RATS ASS award! And it’s only January! That’s saying something, baby!
According to Jim is the television program I use as a reference point to communicate my utter disdain for pop culture. Fat dad, bitchy mom, petulant kids, antagonistic yet loving relationship, yearly appearance by Dan Akroyd and John Goodman during Sweeps Week to resurrect the Blues Brothers, you get the idea. The three F’s of comedy: Formula, formula, FORMULA.
And you, Kevin Morris, come right out and admit that you not only watch that turd of a show, but you care enough to scrawl a letter for the whole country to see asking for details on one of its stars. Amazing. Simply amazing.
Wow, I have to tell you that as a blogger, it doesn’t get any better than this. If a doctor told me today that I have hand cancer (which runs in my family) and that my blogging days are over, I could retire a very happy man. My love life would be shot to hell, but it would be worth it.
Masturbation joke: Ba-BOOM-boom!
I hear there is going to be a sixth Rocky movie. Details, please. – Ann Mitchell, Bellingham, MAGee, Ann. Mum’s the word in Hollywood regarding the latest Rocky movie, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Sly Stallone will portray an aging prizefighter who faces seemingly insurmountable obstacles but then, against all odds and towards the end of the movie, ultimately proves victorious in a bloody, courageous battle to a backdrop of triumphant music.
Again, that’s merely a hunch. Do not—I repeat, DO NOT—place any wagers on that in Vegas, or at the Indian casino you’re more likely to visit, pissing away your children’s’ inheritance waiting for the big payoff.
Was your question serious, by the way? Did you honestly think that Rocky VI would be a science fiction movie or something? Or did you think that maybe Michael Moore would direct this one and it would be about how George Bush was responsible for the demise of Dolph Lundgren’s career? Toss me a bone, Ann: Give me some reason to believe that you had your tongue firmly in cheek when you wrote that letter. I have a razor blade to my wrist and anxiously await your reply.
I am a huge fan of John Travolta. Will there ever be a Welcome Back, Kotter reunion? ‑ Jamie Christenson, Bridgewater, NYYou’re a huge fan? You should try Weight Watchers.
Admin Worm is environmentally-friendly: We recycle jokes as often as possible!
Anyway, I’m sure there’s nothing multi-millionaire movie star John Travolta would rather do, Jamie, than have a reunion to remind himself and the world of his embarrassing, humble beginnings on the abysmal sitcom Welcome Back Kotter. And since the careers of everyone else on the show have been on fire since the show’s demise, it wouldn’t be awkward in the slightest for them to be in the same room together!
Gabe Kaplan, for instance, could take a leave of absence from the Blockbuster he manages in order to appear. Horshack might just be able to pull himself away from his lucrative porn career (billed as Hung like a Horshack) long enough to catch up with his fellow sweat hogs. And who could forget the other ones, what’s-his-name and 
whosit, the Hispanic and the black guy. You know, the ones who sign glossy photos at auto shows near the General Lee exhibit.
Yeah, Jamie, look for a Welcome Back Kotter reunion right about the time Tom Hanks announces a Bosom Buddies retrospective. Next on the Actor’s Studio, we feature several Oscar winners writhing uncomfortably as we show clips of their commercials and sitcom appearances.Well, as my wife says after our intimacy, “I’m glad that’s over for another week.” Thanks to everyone who wrote for putting that extra chromosome to good use by penning letters to Who’s News. Your homework assignment for this week: Watch a half hour of news for every hour of sitcoms.
posted by Admin Worm at 7:34 PM
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