Vote early, vote often.
In the interest of time, here's this week's column from the Gazette. Low on graphics, but hopefully the hilarity contained in the words will be enough to satisfy even the most demanding Admin Worm readers.
VOTE FOR ME
I’m running for political office. I’m not sure which office yet; dog catcher, Senator, whatever. It depends on the hours and benefits. Lest anyone attempt to derail my campaign before it begins by exposing skeletons in my closet, allow me to expose them myself right up front: I love pornography and I curse. A lot. Sometimes I indulge both vices simultaneously, usually during slow downloads.
I’ll outline my platform below and allow Gazette readers to determine what, if any, office(s) I’m best-suited for.
Transportation. My first order of business as an elected representative will be to have the traffic lights adjusted so that drivers going the posted speed limit don’t have to stop at every light. Traffic lights change from red to yellow to green with all the randomness—but none of the beauty—of Christmas tree lights. The St. Croix Valley is scenic, that’s indisputable; but not so scenic that I want to pause on every corner to drink it in.
Welfare. I am going to enact a Selective Service-type system for welfare recipients whereby the able-bodied among them will be randomly summoned to help taxpayers with household chores; lawn-mowing, spring-cleaning, washing the car, etc. After working 40+ hours per week, the last thing taxpayers want or need is to rake 20 bags of leaves over the weekend. It’s time for people living off the generosity of others to earn their keep via “sweat equity.”
Jobs. My opponent(s) will likely promise to create X-number of jobs. If elected, I vow to create no jobs; further, I will endeavor to eradicate all existing jobs. I have a job. Everyone I know has a job. We all hate our jobs and wouldn’t wish them on anyone. Unless PBS has lied to me all these years, our forest-dwelling counterparts, the apes, spend their days eating bananas, lounging in the sun and fornicating. They’re not wasting time generating spreadsheets and writing reports, and if I’m elected no one else will, either.
Term Limits: I’m a strong term limit advocate, but not in the classic sense. My opinion is if voters are stupid enough to elect the same people over and over again and then complain about them to pollsters, they don’t need term limits, they need an arithmetic lesson: Put two and two together, folks.
The term limits I support are for political bumper stickers endorsing candidates who lost—or died—years ago. Under my administration, you get 60 days to gloat, grieve or demand a recount: Then the stickers come off. Drivers who continue to display election 2004 bumper stickers—regardless of party—will pay hefty fines. And anyone musing “What Would Wellstone Do?” will soon be asking “Which Way to Traffic Court?”
Education. I saved the biggest for last. The recent Thandiwe Peebles saga in Minneapolis is a shining example of how not to handle the business of education. Under my administration there will be no $180,000 contract buyouts and certainly no $800 per month Cadillac SUV allowances. A school superintendent—whose job it is to manage a school system’s budget—can damn well budget two hundred bucks of their $13,000 monthly salary to lease a Ford Focus.
Any public school employee with more than one “vice” or “assistant”—or any combination of the two—in their job title will soon be looking for other work. At a time when teachers are buying pencils and paper for students out of their own pockets, it’s time to rethink the need for a $50,000 per year “Vice-Vice Assistant to the Administrator in Charge of Grief Counselors.” If the classroom guinea pig dies, the kids will just have to deal with it.
Graduation standards will be simple under my administration: Every high school senior will be required to take a brief “Their, there and they’re” test before graduating. We’ll discover right then and there if they’re ready to ready to receive their diploma.
In a Tom Bonnett administration, public school students won’t receive laptop computers, because that’s just ridiculous. Not that anything so crazy would ever be proposed, of course.
In closing, as a final incentive to garner your vote, public servants will be included in the aforementioned Housework Selective Service pool. Elected representatives might think twice before raising taxes if they knew you could summon them at any time to pump your septic tank.
I hope you will consider me for (insert office here). Now, as they say at Democratic Party headquarters, vote early and vote often.
VOTE FOR MEI’m running for political office. I’m not sure which office yet; dog catcher, Senator, whatever. It depends on the hours and benefits. Lest anyone attempt to derail my campaign before it begins by exposing skeletons in my closet, allow me to expose them myself right up front: I love pornography and I curse. A lot. Sometimes I indulge both vices simultaneously, usually during slow downloads.
I’ll outline my platform below and allow Gazette readers to determine what, if any, office(s) I’m best-suited for.
Transportation. My first order of business as an elected representative will be to have the traffic lights adjusted so that drivers going the posted speed limit don’t have to stop at every light. Traffic lights change from red to yellow to green with all the randomness—but none of the beauty—of Christmas tree lights. The St. Croix Valley is scenic, that’s indisputable; but not so scenic that I want to pause on every corner to drink it in.
Welfare. I am going to enact a Selective Service-type system for welfare recipients whereby the able-bodied among them will be randomly summoned to help taxpayers with household chores; lawn-mowing, spring-cleaning, washing the car, etc. After working 40+ hours per week, the last thing taxpayers want or need is to rake 20 bags of leaves over the weekend. It’s time for people living off the generosity of others to earn their keep via “sweat equity.”
Jobs. My opponent(s) will likely promise to create X-number of jobs. If elected, I vow to create no jobs; further, I will endeavor to eradicate all existing jobs. I have a job. Everyone I know has a job. We all hate our jobs and wouldn’t wish them on anyone. Unless PBS has lied to me all these years, our forest-dwelling counterparts, the apes, spend their days eating bananas, lounging in the sun and fornicating. They’re not wasting time generating spreadsheets and writing reports, and if I’m elected no one else will, either.
Term Limits: I’m a strong term limit advocate, but not in the classic sense. My opinion is if voters are stupid enough to elect the same people over and over again and then complain about them to pollsters, they don’t need term limits, they need an arithmetic lesson: Put two and two together, folks.
The term limits I support are for political bumper stickers endorsing candidates who lost—or died—years ago. Under my administration, you get 60 days to gloat, grieve or demand a recount: Then the stickers come off. Drivers who continue to display election 2004 bumper stickers—regardless of party—will pay hefty fines. And anyone musing “What Would Wellstone Do?” will soon be asking “Which Way to Traffic Court?”
Education. I saved the biggest for last. The recent Thandiwe Peebles saga in Minneapolis is a shining example of how not to handle the business of education. Under my administration there will be no $180,000 contract buyouts and certainly no $800 per month Cadillac SUV allowances. A school superintendent—whose job it is to manage a school system’s budget—can damn well budget two hundred bucks of their $13,000 monthly salary to lease a Ford Focus.
Any public school employee with more than one “vice” or “assistant”—or any combination of the two—in their job title will soon be looking for other work. At a time when teachers are buying pencils and paper for students out of their own pockets, it’s time to rethink the need for a $50,000 per year “Vice-Vice Assistant to the Administrator in Charge of Grief Counselors.” If the classroom guinea pig dies, the kids will just have to deal with it.
Graduation standards will be simple under my administration: Every high school senior will be required to take a brief “Their, there and they’re” test before graduating. We’ll discover right then and there if they’re ready to ready to receive their diploma.
In a Tom Bonnett administration, public school students won’t receive laptop computers, because that’s just ridiculous. Not that anything so crazy would ever be proposed, of course.
In closing, as a final incentive to garner your vote, public servants will be included in the aforementioned Housework Selective Service pool. Elected representatives might think twice before raising taxes if they knew you could summon them at any time to pump your septic tank.
I hope you will consider me for (insert office here). Now, as they say at Democratic Party headquarters, vote early and vote often.
posted by Admin Worm at 6:38 PM
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