Who's News.

It’s been a while since Who’s News appeared, and people have been clamoring for it. Actually, my site counter has registered negative numbers the past couple of weeks, but what the hell: I do this to amuse myself, anyway. To refresh your memory, these are real questions sent by real readers of the Who’s News celebrity gossip section of USA Weekend. Don’t worry, folks: The Earth’s complicated dance through the cosmos will continue unabated. You go on peeling your eyelids back and drinking in every ounce of pop culture you can squeeze into your 75 years. And hopefully the Buddhists are right and reincarnation exists, 'cuz then you can do it all over again...and again...

Please settle an argument. Has Dolly Parton been married to anyone but husband Carl Dean? –Michelle Knudson, Jonesboro, AK

Sadly, they divorced years ago, but thankfully Carl gets visitation with the twins.

Ha ha ha ha. Boy, those Dolly Parton/booby jokes never, ever get old.

Seriously, though: You’re arguing about this? With who? Your spouse? Co-workers? Are you sleeping on the couch because you and your husband have been battling for months about the Dolly Parton/Carl Dean saga?

Aaaargh. Look up, Michelle: You’re on a globe floating through space. And speaking of globes…

Globes: Get it? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Where is CBS's John Roberts, and why didn't he replace Dan Rather? Wasn't he heir apparent? –Valerie Morrison, Magalia, CA

What a tremendous opportunity for my “glass half-empty” and “glass half-full” characteristics to duke it out.

On one hand, yours is the only letter this week—out of nearly four million—that dealt with the news as opposed to vacuous sitcoms or movie stars. For that I should be grateful.

Yet rather than focus on content, you’re instead wagging your finger in my face wondering why one talking head was chosen over another talking head to replace a retired talking head.

Then you go and spring phrases like “heir apparent” on me. This is Who’s News and we have a well-established two-syllable maximum on words, thank you.

Try to focus on what’s being said on the news, Valerie, rather than who’s saying it. Iran is developing nukes. Iraq is on the brink of civil war. Species are being wiped out daily due to mankind’s encroachment. Riots are spreading worldwide due to a couple of political cartoons published in Denmark. This fragile, blue-green planet is hurtling towards certain—yet entirely preventable—destruction, and you’re concerned with the feather-haired pretty boy who's delivering the news?

And for what it's worth, I think John Roberts should have gotten the gig, hands-down. He is so...freaking...cute!!!

Forget Geena Davis. On Sci Fi Channel's "Battlestar Galactica," Mary McDonnell is great as Laura Roslin, the other female U.S. president on TV. But I thought McDonnell was a movie star. –Eleanor Grayson, Dedham, MA

Again, a mysterious "us" appears in a letter. Did all the cafeteria gals band together to churn out this letter, Eleanor? That would explain the grease stains...

Unfortunately, your question negates the answer. You told me at the beginning of your letter to “Forget Geena Davis.” Then you go on to compare her to another female television president. However, if I truly forgot Davis as instructed, answering the question becomes theoretically impossible. It's the chicken vs. the egg; it's Creationism vs. the Big Bang. That’s some crazy, philosophical shit and I thank you for a rare moment of Who's News head scratchin'.

What can you tell us about "Reba's" Melissa Peterman, one of the funniest people on TV? –Phyllis Frederickson, Glendale, AZ

Again with the "us." On the negative side, the meds clearly aren't working. On the plus side, all your personalities seem united towards a common, if ultimately meaningless, goal.

I can tell you that if Melissa Peterman were truly one of the funniest people on TV, she wouldn’t be derailing her career by appearing on that festering turd of a shitcom, “Reba.” Then again, you probably find Jeff Foxworthy’s musings to be the height of comedy, and you’re probably in stitches when Larry, the beloved Cable Guy, utters his trademark gem “Get ‘er done.” So "Reba" is, understandably, way up there on your list of mankind's greatest comedic achievements.

Here's a challenge, Phyllis: Download a couple of Bill Hicks’ comedy routines from I-tunes. Buy yourself a Mitch Hedberg CD. Rent a couple seasons’ worth of Arrested Development or Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If, after this homework assignment, you still stand by your contention that Melissa Peterman is one of the funniest people on TV, I am contacting the White House and requesting that I be included in Vice President Cheney’s next hunting party, and I am going to insist that he shoot me in the face because I’ll have lost my will to live.

Well, that wraps it up for this week’s Who’s News. Hopefully my remaining loyal readers got a kick out of it. Just think, if those two people tell two of their friends about my blog, and those two friends tell two more friends, before you know it enough people will ask “How can you read that shit?” and my remaining fans, embarrassed beyond words, will quietly delete me from their Favorites and I can move on to other things. Until then, see you next week for more Who’s News, and see you soon for more of the pointless rambling you’ve come to know and ignore from the staff of the Admin Worm blog.