Post-holiday stuff.

Well, another Christmas come and gone, thankfully.

I get depressed around holidays, as my writing last week illustrated. I can’t pinpoint exactly why, I just know that I’ve been that way for my entire adult life.

It’s not as if holidays were unenjoyable as a kid setting me up for depression later in life. To the contrary, despite the fact that our family was not well-to-do by any means, Christmas was our day to collect the loot, as it were. Not that that’s what the holiday is all about, of course. We were also dragged to church (which actually wasn’t so awful), forced to visit shut-in relatives (oh the god awful stench of 200 inbred cats and a houseful of a century’s worth of newspapers), all the standard stuff. But on the whole holidays were great when I was young.

As an adult, however, I have a malaise set in around Thanksgiving that lasts through Christmas. It was really tough on my wife this year. Christmas eve was tense in casa de Admin Worm, let me tell you, but she was very patient and as understanding as she could be and we wound up having a really good time at her family’s house. I have great in-laws. Not everyone can say that and mean it, and I’m not even saying that to satisfy my wife, ‘cuz she doesn’t read my blog.

Anyway, you might want to know what my “haul” was for the year. I got a pair of Nordstrom slippers which replaced the tattered, disgusting slippers my wife has hated since the day we met; a t-shirt to express my newfound Libertarian views; a fantastic coat; and the crowning glory of my gifts was the new Onion compilation book. I vowed to read it word-for-word from front cover to back, but as usual I’m flipping around like crazy. The Onion is the best thing in the world. You’ve got to love a wife who feeds your greatest desires: twisted humor and Libertarianism. Okay, she fed one or two of my other desires too, but this is a family blog.

I got her the books Breakfast at Tiffany’s and Sellevision, new valve stem covers for her Mini Cooper since the ones I got her last year were stolen, a Get Fuzzy calendar, a car wash gift certificate (she’s all about the Cooper) and a couple other odds and ends.

My mom got us a Perkins gift certificate so we made our yearly trek there to cash in, but the person who sold it to mom apparently forgot to activate it, so I wound up paying for breakfast out-of-pocket. Perkins was gracious enough to provide us a new gift card, but I’m hesitant to use it in case the debacle repeats itself and I’m forced to spend another $20 I don’t have.

Aaaaah, the problems of being American. God Bless this country.

POSTSCRIPT
Forgot to mention that last night, after King Kong, my wife and I drove all over Woodbury seeking pizza. All the pizza restaurants were closed and even the convenience stores were dark. Finally, a Kwik Trip appeared on the horizon, a soothing fluorescent glow emitting from inside. We purchased a generic brand rising crust pepperoni pizza and it was awesome.

Talked to my mom this morning and she had a similar evening. She and a friend drove all over Lincoln, Nebraska seeking a place to have coffee. They wound up at IHOP, along with the rest of the city, and had to wait a half hour for a table.

KING KONG
On Christmas, since we don’t have kids and the day is thus all ours, we went to see King Kong. It’s small wonder this movie is hemorrhaging money and will likely spell the demise of the studio. Not that it’s a horrible movie, but the word that came to mind is masturbatory. Director Peter Jackson, riding the coattails of his Lord of the Rings success, has obviously reached the stage where people are afraid to tell him “no.”

The film is well over an hour too long. By the time viewers actually see the monkey, the movie should be well on its way to the climax. Also, there are a couple of dinosaur sequences which are embarrassingly identical to Jurassic Park. I do mean identical, right down to the raptors and T-Rex’s. These sequences simply did not need to be made, and it’s a testament to Jackson’s arrogance and power that he was allowed to pack the movie with an hour of superfluous computer-generated filler.

By the time the movie made it to the parts intended to generate an emotional response I had willed myself not to let it happen. It nearly did, but I quelled it. There were some genuinely touching moments in the film, but they came two hours too late. My disgust with Jackson’s excess outweighed my ability to be sucked in by the heartstring tugs of the movie, and when Kong fell from the Empire State Building I saw it merely as a metaphor for the end of Jackson’s career and quite possibly the end of the movie studio. I believe King Kong cost $300 Million to make and has thus far taken in about forty dollars at the box office, so I see trouble ahead. Hopefully King Kong will serve as a cautionary tale to directors and studios alike that movies are supposed to entertain audiences, not satiate the egos of filmmakers.

I won’t go off on a tangent about the rudeness of people in theaters, but believe me that could fill a blog of its own. I stand by my contention that movie theaters are a microcosm for the state of our society, and it ain’t good.

WHO’S NEWS
This week’s Who’s News, the celebrity gossip section of USA Weekend, didn’t contain questions this week. Rather, it was chock full of memorable quotes from celebrities. In the spirit of the Admin Worm blog I’ve changed the quotes but left the descriptions of them as-is.

“Lord, I’m glad she keeled over before I became the embodiment of every lesbian stereotype known to man.” —Rosie O'Donnell, on her mother's death from cancer when O'Donnell was 10.

“I’ve changed so much physically, yet my music is still the same bland, boring country horseshit it ever was.” —Country singer Patty Loveless, on what she thinks when she sees her picture on album covers from the past 19 years.

“I had my childrens’ names legally changed to “Ages 4” and “Ages 2” because I kept forgetting them.” —Matt Lauer, on his children, ages 4 and 2.

“I intend to continue acting ‘til I’ve proven to the world that I’m more than a pair of tits and a pretty face, and I’m grateful to Fox for casting me in their sitcom ‘A pair of tits and a pretty face.’” —Jenny McCarthy, on continuing her acting career.

“Oddly, the Emmys haven’t yet become a target of Al Qaida, but probably because bin Laden realizes that would make him America’s best friend overnight.” —Stockard Channing, on what the Emmy award ceremony has become.

“Well, my agent concentrates on the studios who mention that they’re ‘so desperate they’d hire Patrick fucking Swayze.’” —Patrick Swayze, on how he navigates career choices.

“Sometimes I get so caught up in the role that I forget that the character was dreamed up by a roomful of coked-up writers doing lines off Domino’s boxes.” —John Spencer, on his “West Wing” character, Leo McGarry.

“Because I woke up in bed with a man. And he was Republican.” —Actress and Air America Radio host Janeane Garofalo, on why she gave up her “social lubricant,” alcohol.

“I developed a backstory for my character. Isn’t that cute? I actually take acting fucking seriously.” — “House” actress Lisa Edelstein, on the backstory she developed for her Dr. Cuddy and Hugh Laurie's Dr. House.

“Hey, Peter Jackson: Great opening for King Kong. You and the studio are going down faster than the fucking Titanic.” —“Titanic” and “Terminator” director James Cameron.

“Why do Madonna and Paul McCartney write children’s books? Why do actors run for office? Because we must do everything within our power to prevent common people with true talent from achieving anything remotely approaching success.” —Actress, talk-show host and red-carpet maven Lisa Rinna, on why she got into the retail fashion business.

“I can only assume it’s because an increasing percentage of the television viewing audience has Down’s Syndrome.” —Actor, talk-show host and new grandfather Tony Danza, on why he's a success.