Column of the week.
Here's my Gazette column for the week. I like this one. I have a column due at school this week as well and will post that when it's done.
CHILDREN'S BOOKS
CHILDREN'S BOOKSA sign of the impending end of all things has to be Sen. Ted Kennedy publishing a children’s book.
Kennedy is just one in a series of luminaries making the leap from pampered icon to children’s book author. “Real” writers labor at their computers 24/7 endeavoring to create children’s literature that will endure for generations, their odds of publication less than those of purchasing a winning Powerball ticket.
Meanwhile Teddy Kennedy—who already possesses untold wealth and power—feels the insatiable urge to stick his rosacea-tinged nose into other people’s careers, and of course there’s no shortage of willing publishers eager to bid for his work. Strangely, Sen. Kennedy’s incessant anti-Bush tirades have never mentioned his own contribution to the growing unemployment rate among authors.
Who knew that while Sen. Kennedy appeared to be diligently taking notes during the Alito confirmation hearings he was actually setting himself up to become the next Dr. Seuss?
“I will not drink ‘fore 10 a.m.,
I will not drink it, Sam I Am,
I never drink ‘til noontime’s bell,
I will not drink—ah, what the hell.”
Kennedy’s book is entitled “A Dog’s Eye View of Washington,” which is fitting given that the Senator spends an inordinate amount of time crawling through the streets of Washington D.C. on all fours. It’s safer than having him drive; at least for the nubile Senate pages accompanying him home for a little pork-barreling, if you know what I’m saying.
Kennedy’s book chronicles a day in the life of a Senator as told by his dog, Splash. I’ll give that a moment to sink in: Teddy Kennedy owns a dog—a Portuguese water dog, no less—named Splash. With all apologies to the surviving Kophechnes. It would seem more fitting for Kennedy to own a St. Bernard, if only for the barrel of brandy hooked to its collar for emergencies, but I digress.
I wonder what’s next. “A Debutante’s View of Chappaquiddick,” perhaps. If the trend continues, maybe Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia could write a book on race relations for children. “Kids, it’s Kool to be Kultural!”
The esteemed Senator from Massachusetts is not alone. Former-Beatle and current-billionaire Paul McCartney recently penned a children’s book entitled “High in the Clouds.” Contrary to its name, it is not a child’s primer into the world of psychotropic drugs, encouraging the development of Flintstones chewable LSD tabs, for instance. Rather, McCartney’s book is inexplicably a cautionary tale about unchecked Capitalism.
Paul McCartney writing an anti-Capitalism book is akin to Pat Robertson shopping a title called “The right thing to say for every occasion.” It grows tiresome having insanely wealthy people like Paul McCartney preach the perils of Capitalism. Sir Paul likely dictated his book to a fetching young secretary in the study of his lavish estate, inspired by the expansive view of the English countryside. I’ll thank him to allow me to discover for myself just how evil money can be.
Rounding out the list of celebrities tossing their hats into the children’s book ring is none other than Madonna. Of all the “authors” mentioned here, the Material Girl is the only one I’m willing to give a pass, if only because I’m surprised and delighted to discover she can read and write.
To illustrate how out of touch I am with popular culture, my last memory of Madonna is her circa-1985 appearance on the MTV Music Awards, when she writhed on the floor in a white wedding dress tunelessly warbling “Like a Virgin.” It’s disconcerting for me to picture her contributing in any manner whatsoever to the development of children, except in the context of a “scared straight” presentation.
There are doubtless other celebrities who will follow the precedent set by Kennedy, McCartney and Madonna. Rosie O’Donnell is probably slamming her hamhock-like fists onto a computer keyboard writing “Heather has two eerily manlike mommies.” One can picture Angelina Jolie churning out her freshman effort “Can I 
adopt you?” Pete Townsend of the Who might soon be promoting 
his anti-kiddy porn book, “It was for research, I swear”—pop-up style, of course—co-authored by Gary Glitter.
Celebrities mean well but I daresay I’m not alone in wishing they’d stick to what it is they do well—whatever that is—and leave the writing to the experts. In lieu of that, hopefully parents will have the good sense to support writers who are truly dedicated to the craft of educating and entertaining children through literature, rather than throwing money at millionaires who see writing a best-selling children’s book as just another check box on their list of things to conquer.
Kennedy is just one in a series of luminaries making the leap from pampered icon to children’s book author. “Real” writers labor at their computers 24/7 endeavoring to create children’s literature that will endure for generations, their odds of publication less than those of purchasing a winning Powerball ticket.
Meanwhile Teddy Kennedy—who already possesses untold wealth and power—feels the insatiable urge to stick his rosacea-tinged nose into other people’s careers, and of course there’s no shortage of willing publishers eager to bid for his work. Strangely, Sen. Kennedy’s incessant anti-Bush tirades have never mentioned his own contribution to the growing unemployment rate among authors.
Who knew that while Sen. Kennedy appeared to be diligently taking notes during the Alito confirmation hearings he was actually setting himself up to become the next Dr. Seuss?
“I will not drink ‘fore 10 a.m.,I will not drink it, Sam I Am,
I never drink ‘til noontime’s bell,
I will not drink—ah, what the hell.”
Kennedy’s book is entitled “A Dog’s Eye View of Washington,” which is fitting given that the Senator spends an inordinate amount of time crawling through the streets of Washington D.C. on all fours. It’s safer than having him drive; at least for the nubile Senate pages accompanying him home for a little pork-barreling, if you know what I’m saying.
Kennedy’s book chronicles a day in the life of a Senator as told by his dog, Splash. I’ll give that a moment to sink in: Teddy Kennedy owns a dog—a Portuguese water dog, no less—named Splash. With all apologies to the surviving Kophechnes. It would seem more fitting for Kennedy to own a St. Bernard, if only for the barrel of brandy hooked to its collar for emergencies, but I digress.
I wonder what’s next. “A Debutante’s View of Chappaquiddick,” perhaps. If the trend continues, maybe Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia could write a book on race relations for children. “Kids, it’s Kool to be Kultural!”
The esteemed Senator from Massachusetts is not alone. Former-Beatle and current-billionaire Paul McCartney recently penned a children’s book entitled “High in the Clouds.” Contrary to its name, it is not a child’s primer into the world of psychotropic drugs, encouraging the development of Flintstones chewable LSD tabs, for instance. Rather, McCartney’s book is inexplicably a cautionary tale about unchecked Capitalism.
Paul McCartney writing an anti-Capitalism book is akin to Pat Robertson shopping a title called “The right thing to say for every occasion.” It grows tiresome having insanely wealthy people like Paul McCartney preach the perils of Capitalism. Sir Paul likely dictated his book to a fetching young secretary in the study of his lavish estate, inspired by the expansive view of the English countryside. I’ll thank him to allow me to discover for myself just how evil money can be.
Rounding out the list of celebrities tossing their hats into the children’s book ring is none other than Madonna. Of all the “authors” mentioned here, the Material Girl is the only one I’m willing to give a pass, if only because I’m surprised and delighted to discover she can read and write.To illustrate how out of touch I am with popular culture, my last memory of Madonna is her circa-1985 appearance on the MTV Music Awards, when she writhed on the floor in a white wedding dress tunelessly warbling “Like a Virgin.” It’s disconcerting for me to picture her contributing in any manner whatsoever to the development of children, except in the context of a “scared straight” presentation.
There are doubtless other celebrities who will follow the precedent set by Kennedy, McCartney and Madonna. Rosie O’Donnell is probably slamming her hamhock-like fists onto a computer keyboard writing “Heather has two eerily manlike mommies.” One can picture Angelina Jolie churning out her freshman effort “Can I 
adopt you?” Pete Townsend of the Who might soon be promoting 
his anti-kiddy porn book, “It was for research, I swear”—pop-up style, of course—co-authored by Gary Glitter.Celebrities mean well but I daresay I’m not alone in wishing they’d stick to what it is they do well—whatever that is—and leave the writing to the experts. In lieu of that, hopefully parents will have the good sense to support writers who are truly dedicated to the craft of educating and entertaining children through literature, rather than throwing money at millionaires who see writing a best-selling children’s book as just another check box on their list of things to conquer.
posted by Admin Worm at 1:40 PM
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