Slander ala Admin Worm.

My buddy Leab over at Ironic Teachings has taken it upon himself to shoulder the burden left behind when the Slanderous Minneapolis blog stopped posting local gossip. So, below is my attempt at a little good-natured ribbing of the fine state of Minnesota.


STATE CAPITOL ABUZZ WITH NEWS OF FORD PLANT RESCUE
ST. PAUL, Minn. – Workers at the St. Paul Ford plant dodged a bullet Monday when Ford Motor Company officials announced that the plant—where Ranger pickup trucks are built—would not be closed immediately.

Ford, as part of its “Way Forward” plan, is eliminating some 30,000 jobs as part of a long-term cost-saving plan, and two as-yet unidentified plants remain on the chopping block.

Fearing that the St. Paul plant might be on the short list, Minnesota lawmakers sprung into action. At 12:01 a.m. on Tuesday, Governor Tim Pawlenty signed into law a bill authored by Sen. Becky Lourey, DFL-Kerrick, requiring all Minnesotans to purchase a Ford Ranger by Dec. 31, 2005.

“This is a great day for Minnesota,” declared the governor, giving the ceremonial pen to a child in a wheelchair who had no clear connection to the event, “this is a great day for Ford, this is a great day for the citizens of St. Paul, this is a great day for incumbents, it’s a bit of a drag for the middle-class.”

Under stipulations of the law, anyone with a combined household income of $45,000 or more is required to purchase a Ford Ranger by the end of the year. Households earning over $100,000 per year are required to purchase two Rangers. Anyone making more than $1 million annually must buy three Rangers and a Ford Focus, the latter conveniently fitting in the back of a Ranger serving in lieu of a spare tire.

Sen. Lourey included provisions providing taxpayer subsidized Rangers for people below the 45K mark. They will receive vouchers redeemable for seven Ford Rangers per household.

“We feel it’s important for the disenfranchised to share in this bounty,” proclaimed Lourey, as she embraced a woman who has breast cancer and AIDS, clutching a handmade placard reading “My Body, My Choice.” Lourey then spoke extemporaneously for a half hour about illegal wiretapping.

Benjamin Gross, a Ford employee and member of UAW Local 879 who earns $27 per hour screwing nuts on bolts, was jubilant over the news.

“This is great,” he said, sipping coffee 20 minutes into his 15-minute break, “Looks like the wife and I can hit the casino after all this weekend.”

The public relations executive who named the “Way Forward” plan earns $332,000 per year.