Who's News Flashback.

It’s a conspiracy!

Usually I cut and paste the week’s Who’s News questions from the USA Weekend website on Fridays. Then I allow my subconscious to mull them over until Sunday morning at which point I unleash my anti-pop culture fury.

However, the USA Weekend website hadn’t been updated yet on Friday. I checked on Saturday, same thing. Sunday, nothin’. I finally went “old school,” searching for the hard copy of USA Weekend in this week’s newspaper, but guess what: It’s not there.

My first thought was that celebrity gossip columnist Lorrie Lynch had gotten word of my weekly parody of her column and decided to cease publication altogether rather than risk further humiliation. It’s more likely she’s still sponging vomit off herself from Golden Globe after-parties, but a guy can dream.

Then the solution to my dilemma struck me like a bolt out of the blue: Back issues. Specifically, I decided to go back in time to September 16, 2001, the first post-9/11 edition of Who’s News. These are actual questions asked by actual readers the week the Twin Towers fell.

We begin with USA Weekend’s Tom O’Neil giving his predictions for winners in the 53rd annual Emmy Awards. Two office towers lay in smoldering remains as Mr. O’Neil shared his thoughts on a celebrity awards program.

BEST COMEDY SERIES ACTOR: Frasier's Kelsey Grammer will win a fourth Emmy for the episode in which Frasier, on the eve of a career tribute, tells his college mentor, "I feel empty!" Too bad the Twin Towers weren't empty when those jets hit: Then there would be 3,000 more people to watch Grammer accept his Emmy Award!


BEST COMEDY SERIES ACTRESS: My pick is Jane Kaczmarek of “Malcolm in the Middle." I'd rather than be on "Malcolm in the Middle" than in the middle of Manhattan right now!


BEST COMEDY SERIES: I’m sticking to a theme here: “Malcolm in the Middle” will prevail. Last year, it won for best comedy writing and directing when it was not up for this top award. It should clobber the competition like those planes clobbered the Twin Towers! Ker-POW!

BEST DRAMA SERIES ACTOR: Martin Sheen of The West Wing was so amazing in the season finale that he'll surely win. If he were our real president, those terrorists would never have attacked us. He'd have chained himself to their cave 'til they agreed to stop the madness!



BEST DRAMA SERIES ACTRESS: Lorraine Bracco of The Sopranos should rub out all Emmy rivals with her amazing rape episode, which left viewers stunned and devastated. Remember the photos of people wandering the streets of New York City after the 9/11 attacks, looks of utter dispair and agony on their faces? That’s the impact Lorraine Bracco’s performance had on viewers. It was hard to believe that what I was watching was a performance, unlike the 9/11 attacks when 3,000 real people actually died!


BEST DRAMA SERIES: Expect another election landslide for the White House gang. Get it? That’s a pun! Gossip columnists love puns. Last year, “The West Wing” set a record for most Emmy victories in a single year (nine). This year, thanks to star Martin Sheen’s vacuous ramblings against homelessness and poverty set against the backdrop of his lavish estate, “The West Wing” is sure to win the “votes” of Emmy “voters.”

Thanks for your insights, Tom. Now, Admin Worm answers questions sent by readers the week after the 9/11 attacks.

Why do great movie actors take roles on TV (in series that so often turn out bad)? Is it the money? ‑ Gail Thomas, Chicago, IL

Thanks for your letter, Gail. Boy, you had to be relieved when Chicago’s famous (and tall) Sears Tower escaped unharmed this week, eh? Hopefully the terrorists won’t hatch a plan to fly Cessnas into mobile homes, or you’re in big trouble!

To answer your question, Gail: Yes, it’s the money. It’s certainly not the opportunity to spew sitcom-formula pap week after week. Be honest, Gail: If someone offered you the opportunity to earn $60,000 per week—even to appear on According to Jim—wouldn’t you take it?

Then again, perhaps you wouldn’t. You may very well be earning an even better living bilking the Unemployment Compensation system.

Frankie Muniz, an Emmy contender for comedy actor, is great as Malcolm in Fox's "Malcolm in the Middle". He's cute, too. Does he date? ‑ Claudia Cuevas, El Centro, CA

You’re right, Claudia: Frankie Muniz sure is cute! Child actor cute, not Oliver Twist cute. Are you familiar with Oliver Twist, Claudia? It’s a book—that’s those paper things that hold up the short coffee table leg—written by Charles Dickens about an orphanage. Orphans are children without parents. You know, like the several thousand children left parentless after the attacks on the Twin Towers?

Oh, I’m sorry: There I go putting things into perspective again! Anyway, Frankie Muniz is rumored to be dating adult film star Jenna Jameson. The two are even said to be hatching a plan to capture on film Muniz’s deflowering at midnight on his 18th birthday. The two lovebirds are considering donating half the proceeds to 9/11 survivors, ensuring an adequate supply of gruel to families devastated by the attacks.

I've heard this will be the last season for my favorite comedy, "Friends". Tell me it's not true. ‑ Tara McKenzie, Tucson, AZ

Hi, Tara. I heard that 9/11 was the last day of life for 3,000 people in the Twin Towers: Tell me it’s not true!

Oh relax, I’m just joking with you. I realize that by living in Tucson you’re a little sheltered from events that cause the rest of the nation considerable consternation. Hell, the biggest thing to hit a building in your town is a tumbleweed.

But alas, the rumors are true: Friends, like the majestic Twin Towers, will soon be a distant memory. However, due to the miracle of syndication, you will be able to catch the show upwards of 30 times a day, reliving the joy and heartache that characterized the groundbreaking sitcom over its 10-year run. Much as families of 9/11 victims will be able to remember their departed loved ones by looking at photographs and viewing home movies, you can enjoy the wanton sexuality and insipid dialogue of the Friends’ cast thanks to the magic of reruns.

Well, that’s it for this week. Or rather, the week of 9/11/01. I suppose it should be heartening that we live in a country so privileged and pampered that pop culture remained a hot topic of discussion even as the collapsed wreckage of the Twin Towers was searched for the remains of 3,000 innocent people. One can almost see Osama in his cave throwing his turban on the ground in anger: “What? A coordinated attack bringing down the two tallest buildings in New York City and these people are talking about Friends? What the hell will it take to get their attention?”

Should have flown the jets into the NBC Studios, I guess.