Who's News.

NOTE: Ignore the first comment posted. I can't tell if it's Spam or what, but the guy's blog is obscene. I don't want to disable comments from friends, but I also don't want you exposed to that weirdo. You've been warned.

Who's News
Well, you asked for it. Actually, some of you did. Sick bastards. Here's Who's News. As usual, real questions from real readers sent to USA Weekend. Who are these people, anyway?

It has been a long time since we've seen Michelle Pfeiffer in a movie. -Gregory Harrison, Fall River, MA

What a shame you haven’t seen Michelle Pfeiffer for a while, Gregory. Here’s a link regarding cornea transplants. Get it? Get it? That’s a good joke!

And what’s this “we,” anyway? What are you, Gollum? Yes my precious, we’d like to see Michelle Pfeiffer in a movie, yes we would, thieving Pfeiffer, we hates her, yes we do my precious.

Anyway, what was your question? Or, more correctly, who gives a rat’s ass?

Americans are generously donating millions to the Red Cross for hurricane relief. I'm curious about its president and CEO, Marsha J. Evans. How much is she paid? -Lawrence Jones, Franklin, TN

Marsha Evans, President and CEO of the Red Cross, is paid strictly on a commission basis, Lawrence. Until Hurricane Katrina, Evans was averaging about $13,000 per year, her income derived only from minor emergencies like train derailments and whatnot. Her patience paid off, however, and at her current commission rate of 13%, Evans stands to earn an incredible $17 Million this year thanks to Katrina!

Evans was only slightly disappointed that Hurricane Rita was reduced to tropical storm status before reaching landfall, but she’s hopeful that the avian flu will become a pandemic while she holds her current position. Forbes Magazine estimates that if this occurs, Evans could net upwards of a quarter billion dollars. Not bad for a woman who began her benevolent career candy-striping during college!

I hear that ever-youthful, multi-talented Donny Osmond is a grandfather. How does he feel about that? -Diane Berry, Wall, NJ

I’m sorry Diane, it’s impossible to answer your question because I’m fixated on your use of the term “multi-talented.” Let’s see here, Osmond churned out numerous bubblegum pop hits in the 70’s, but aside from that I’m at a complete loss as to his other supposed “talents.” Does he juggle? Does he perform cornea transplants? Aside from possessing the eerie eternal youth gene like Dick Clark, there’s little of substance to Donny Osmond, aside from his numerous plastic surgeries, penchant for buggering underage boys, and adherence to that weird religion. What is he, a Jehovah’s Witness or something?

Oh, fuck. I’m thinking of Michael Jackson. Never mind.

What's the status of Steven Spielberg's movie based on the novel "Memoirs of a Geisha?" -Marie Andrews, Hastings, MN

As you can see from this production still, Marie, the movie is well underway and possesses a predictable yet enchanting Spielberg-esque spin.

I'm glad to see NBC's "The Biggest Loser" is back for a second season. –Cynthia Hanson, Merrillville, IN

Well, NBC is glad that the country’s biggest loser is watching it again!

What experience do celebrities look for in personal assistants? How does one get such a job? -Denise Morris, Newton, NC

Gosh, Denise…we’re not sure. Let’s take a look at some celebrity personal assistants and see if we can sense a trend:

As far as qualifications, does the phrase “gag reflex” mean anything to you?

20,000 people dead in an earthquake; New Orleans still sifting through the devastation; a pandemic capable of wiping out 150 million people on the horizon. And you morons still insist on scrawling your celebrity questions on construction paper, in Crayon, week after merciless week. What did I do in a previous life to deserve this? Why do I have vivid memories of committing suicide in a bunker? Why does the name “Eva” stir a fire in my heart? These questions, along with your insipid celebrity quandaries, will continue to be explored right here in Who’s News.