Capote.

Okay, just taking a brief moment to vent and to give you a preview of what will likely be next week’s Stillwater Gazette column.

Last night my wife and I went to see Capote, which is a wonderful film. Don’t listen to City Pages; their reviewers are instructed to hate everything under penalty of being exposed as a one-time Republican voter.

Unfortunately, our experience last night hammered home my contention that movie theaters are depressingly illustrative microcosms of society as a whole.

Case and point, there were eight people in the theater. Eight people chose to attend the 7:00 screening of Capote. I can only assume the owners of the other 300 cars in the parking lot were there to see such cinematic wonders as Barely Legal and Domino .

Anyway, who showed up but Frick and Frack, an enormous, white-trashy couple, and they had their choice of 200 empty seats. So guess where they sat? Bingo: directly in front of us.

We were treated to their painfully loud slurping and gulping sounds as they endeavored to shovel as much popcorn as humanly possible into their swollen gullets, ingesting more calories in a 90-minute period than most Africans consume in a year. After feeding time they began talking loudly and incessantly. Apparently Capote wasn’t their thing. They must have received complementary movie tickets as part of a monster truck promotion, and rather than see something that would hold their interest for more than five minutes at a time—like the aforementioned Barely Legal, for instance—they chose instead to talk and giggle incessantly during the film, including during the final, climactic scene.

They can’t be blamed, of course. My guess is that their only exposure to literature has been the books that keep their glass-topped coffee table level. Still, it was horribly disappointing to discover that if movie theaters are truly, as I contend, a microcosm for society as a whole, than fully 25% of the population consists of gluttonous, completely clueless shreds of human debris.

At one point I seriously considered offering the couple all the money I had in my wallet if they would leave. I had $24 on me which would have covered their tickets, snacks, and their inevitable stop at White Castle for a dozen sliders. My wife would have considered that hateful, however, so instead I simply sat and stewed and reserved my vitriol for this blog and next week’s Gazette column.

People are completely apoplectic at the thought of Avian Flu mutating and killing off 150 million people. I suppose it’s a reflection of the type of awful person I am when I consider 150 million to be a good start.

Have a delightful weekend. This weekend looks to be relatively light homework-wise, which means I’ll spew forth even more venom in the form of Who’s News, an Admin Worm staple that has unfortunately been conspicuously absent recently.

Let the comments fly! I don’t give a crap! Call me hateful! Call me evil! Label away! I don't care! We're doomed, and I'm leading the fucking charge! Full speed ahead!