Happy Monday!
I tried to generate a Who's News yesterday, but USA Weekend was celebrating the CMA (Country Music Awards), thus any jokes I came up with centered on either A) inbreeding or B) the fact that country music sucks ass.
So, instead I present to you what I originally intended to be this week's Stillwater Gazette column, which turned out to be more of a brief stand-up comedy routine (such as it is). This week's column has been submitted, and upon acceptance I'll post that next (probably tomorrow).
Say, if you're into offensive stand-up comedy, may I suggest checking out the late Bill Hicks' newly-released two CD set or reading up on comedienne Sarah Silverman. Makes the shit I come up with look like just what it is: shit.
COLUMN ABORTION
When is a column a column? When it's written, when it's submitted, or when it's published? This might very well be considered a late-term column abortion, removed from consideration just moments before I clicked the "send" button.
Everywhere I turn people tell me that life in America sucks. Perhaps I’m blinded by the dirty, sticky rectangle on my vehicle that is the lingering vestige of a Bush ’04 bumper sticker (courteously removed one week after the election, thank you), but I firmly stand by my contention that few people in America have any clue what constitutes a real problem.
For instance, Lindsay Lohan had a car accident recently. No one reading this cares, but we all know because it captured headlines for days. War, terrorism, and Avian Flu are certainly newsworthy, but what we really need to know is: Will we see Herbie the Love Bug II? Don’t worry, Lohan’s injuries weren’t life-threatening, and I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say “Maybe next time.” I know Lindsay’s not the brightest bulb on the tree, but let’s be honest here: Corky from Life Goes on could manage to hit a telephone pole dead-on if he really aimed. Try again, Lindsay.
Yeah, life in America is awful. It’s so awful that President Bush took time out of his schedule recently to meet with Bono, lead singer of U2, to discuss world hunger. It struck me while watching this specter that Bono could single-handedly solve world the world hunger problem by teaching people to be full of themselves. Bono is enough to make me wish that the qualifications for rock stardom included proficiency in Microsoft Outlook. That way, he could give himself a pop-up reminder every day that says “YOU’RE A SINGER. GET OVER YOURSELF.”
Things are so bad in America that gentle dentistry is apparently a huge problem. I kid you not; the latest advance in oral care is gentle dentistry. It’s nice to know that some enterprising dentist discovered that there are some post-Mengele advances in the field. “You mean we don’t have to stop at wrenching their gold fillings out? Astounding discovery.”
One dentist’s radio commercial states that he’ll fix your teeth “without put downs or insults.” What retched dentists have people been seeing? Apparently, unbeknownst to me, Don Rickles opened a dental school.
I’m a patriot, but I can understand why the rest of the world hates us. Don’t forget, America is the country that discovered obesity is a disease. Look, if you eat a piece of broccoli and gain 20 pounds, that’s a disease. If, however, you eat a bag of White Castles every night and gain 20 pounds… Well, granted public education isn’t what it used to be, and certainly critical thinking isn’t held in the esteem it once was, but even the aforementioned Corky can put two and two together.
And yet America needs nutritional information posted in McDonald’s now, just in case you were tempted to believe that eating six Big Macs was healthy because they have lettuce on them. The irony is the nutritional information was always available at McDonald’s, it just happened to be sitting in the booths. When every patron is pushing 300 pounds, that should tell you something.
Here’s a sign of the impending Apocalypse that even St. John of Patmos couldn’t have foreseen: Steven Segal is cutting a blues album. You heard right, B-movie martial arts star Steven Segal has a severe case of the blues and is thus recording an album. This is a man who has amassed a considerable fortune despite possessing the charisma of a pet rock.
America: the nation with a zero-tolerance policy on speeding, but we can’t quite get a handle on the whole child pornography thing. It’s so tough to type with my face buried in my hands.
Last Friday was Veteran’s Day. A day commemorating countless lives lost defending what this nation stands for, or used to stand for. Much as Veteran’s Day has become just another three-day weekend, so do I fear that the freedom our military defends has become the freedom to be oblivious.
And lest you think I hold myself above the fray, bear in mind I not only knew about the aforementioned trivialities, I took time to write about them. And next week I’ll be back with a similarly synapse-firing extravaganza about toothpaste caps, people talking in movie theaters, or some such indignancy.
I never claimed to be part of the solution. I just hope I’m not exacerbating the problem.
So, instead I present to you what I originally intended to be this week's Stillwater Gazette column, which turned out to be more of a brief stand-up comedy routine (such as it is). This week's column has been submitted, and upon acceptance I'll post that next (probably tomorrow).
Say, if you're into offensive stand-up comedy, may I suggest checking out the late Bill Hicks' newly-released two CD set or reading up on comedienne Sarah Silverman. Makes the shit I come up with look like just what it is: shit.COLUMN ABORTION
When is a column a column? When it's written, when it's submitted, or when it's published? This might very well be considered a late-term column abortion, removed from consideration just moments before I clicked the "send" button.
Everywhere I turn people tell me that life in America sucks. Perhaps I’m blinded by the dirty, sticky rectangle on my vehicle that is the lingering vestige of a Bush ’04 bumper sticker (courteously removed one week after the election, thank you), but I firmly stand by my contention that few people in America have any clue what constitutes a real problem.
For instance, Lindsay Lohan had a car accident recently. No one reading this cares, but we all know because it captured headlines for days. War, terrorism, and Avian Flu are certainly newsworthy, but what we really need to know is: Will we see Herbie the Love Bug II? Don’t worry, Lohan’s injuries weren’t life-threatening, and I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say “Maybe next time.” I know Lindsay’s not the brightest bulb on the tree, but let’s be honest here: Corky from Life Goes on could manage to hit a telephone pole dead-on if he really aimed. Try again, Lindsay.
Yeah, life in America is awful. It’s so awful that President Bush took time out of his schedule recently to meet with Bono, lead singer of U2, to discuss world hunger. It struck me while watching this specter that Bono could single-handedly solve world the world hunger problem by teaching people to be full of themselves. Bono is enough to make me wish that the qualifications for rock stardom included proficiency in Microsoft Outlook. That way, he could give himself a pop-up reminder every day that says “YOU’RE A SINGER. GET OVER YOURSELF.”
Things are so bad in America that gentle dentistry is apparently a huge problem. I kid you not; the latest advance in oral care is gentle dentistry. It’s nice to know that some enterprising dentist discovered that there are some post-Mengele advances in the field. “You mean we don’t have to stop at wrenching their gold fillings out? Astounding discovery.”
One dentist’s radio commercial states that he’ll fix your teeth “without put downs or insults.” What retched dentists have people been seeing? Apparently, unbeknownst to me, Don Rickles opened a dental school.
I’m a patriot, but I can understand why the rest of the world hates us. Don’t forget, America is the country that discovered obesity is a disease. Look, if you eat a piece of broccoli and gain 20 pounds, that’s a disease. If, however, you eat a bag of White Castles every night and gain 20 pounds… Well, granted public education isn’t what it used to be, and certainly critical thinking isn’t held in the esteem it once was, but even the aforementioned Corky can put two and two together.
And yet America needs nutritional information posted in McDonald’s now, just in case you were tempted to believe that eating six Big Macs was healthy because they have lettuce on them. The irony is the nutritional information was always available at McDonald’s, it just happened to be sitting in the booths. When every patron is pushing 300 pounds, that should tell you something.
Here’s a sign of the impending Apocalypse that even St. John of Patmos couldn’t have foreseen: Steven Segal is cutting a blues album. You heard right, B-movie martial arts star Steven Segal has a severe case of the blues and is thus recording an album. This is a man who has amassed a considerable fortune despite possessing the charisma of a pet rock.
America: the nation with a zero-tolerance policy on speeding, but we can’t quite get a handle on the whole child pornography thing. It’s so tough to type with my face buried in my hands.
Last Friday was Veteran’s Day. A day commemorating countless lives lost defending what this nation stands for, or used to stand for. Much as Veteran’s Day has become just another three-day weekend, so do I fear that the freedom our military defends has become the freedom to be oblivious.
And lest you think I hold myself above the fray, bear in mind I not only knew about the aforementioned trivialities, I took time to write about them. And next week I’ll be back with a similarly synapse-firing extravaganza about toothpaste caps, people talking in movie theaters, or some such indignancy.
I never claimed to be part of the solution. I just hope I’m not exacerbating the problem.
posted by Admin Worm at 9:05 AM
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