Who's News.

Today’s Who’s News is dedicated to Stacy, who’s been very sick this week. Just when she thought she’d heaved up everything she had in her belly, I go and write a Who’s News guaranteed to send her bile levels skyrocketing. Sorry!

To initiate Admin Worm virgins, Who’s News is comprised of actual letters sent by actual morons—excuse me, readers—to the pop culture Q & A section of USA Weekend. People took time out of their precious lives to ask these questions. Of course, I took considerably more time answering them, so who’s more f-ed up?

Idina Menzel was amazing in the Broadway musical "Wicked," for which she won a Tony award. Why is she not in the movies? -Fran Morrison, Kapolei, HI

Hi, Fran. Good question, and one that is on the mind of many Idina Menzel fans, myself included. I talked to her publicist, who told us that…

Oh, shit. Look out your window, Fran: QUICK!

You live in Hawaii, you idiot. Go outside.

My favorite male celebrity is John O'Hurley. I watched him on "Dancing With the Stars" every week. What will he do next? -Julie Mitchell, China Grove, NC

Talkin’ ‘bout China Grove, whoa-oa-oa, whoo-hoo…

Sorry, had a Doobie Brothers moment there, Julie. You must get that a lot, living in China Grove. Oh, wait…that would entail social interaction.

Anyway, you asked “What will John O’Hurley do next?” Well, the fact is you never know what he’ll do next, Julie. He’s just that unpredictable. One moment he’s got a regular gig on Seinfeld, adored by millions of people. Then he’s relegated to a role on The Mullets, which was god-awful even by sitcom standards. The Mullets lasted 2 1/2 episodes, the final one containing the much ballyhooed surprise ending where network executives sprayed the set with machine gun fire, killing all cast members except John O’Hurley, who escaped via the HVAC system. Then O’Hurley resurfaced in “Dancing with the Stars,” a show that one person—Julie Mitchell of China Grove, NC—watched.

Here’s O’Hurley in his latest role, clearly suffering from an acute case of COF (Career on Fire).

NBC correspondent Campbell Brown is such a professional. What do you know about her private side? -James Sanders, Rehoboth Beach, DE

Campbell Brown lets her hair down, as it were, by appearing weekly as the character Magenta in a local production of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. She finds the experience to be a great release after dealing with very serious subjects at her day job.

Unfortunately, her acting gig once caused her considerable embarrassment. No one will forget this infamous moment, when a late-season hurricane struck Biloxi, Mississippi and Brown was rushed to the scene immediately after that night’s production of Rocky Horror. She was able to remove the Magenta wig, but the NBC make-up team wasn’t able to get to her in time before the broadcast.

Ever the trooper, Brown laughed it off later saying “Look, if my ghoulish appearance could bring a moment of laughter to even one of the lives devastated by that storm, I’d do it all over again.” After the broadcast, Brown spent the remainder of the weekend in Biloxi applying Rocky Horror-style make-up to local children separated from their families.

What a trooper. That’s a professional, people.

I enjoyed Matt Damon in the Jason Bourne spy movies. Will he make another one anytime soon? -Tony Dowd, Mesa, AZ

Trumpet fanfare please, because you, Tony Dowd of Mesa, Arizona, are the recipient of this week’s coveted Who Gives a Rat’s Ass Award!!!

Matt Damon won’t be appearing in any movies in the near future, Tony. He and longtime friend and now life partner Ben Affleck have married in a civil ceremony, and Damon is now expecting their first child.

Well, that’s it for this week. Get better, Stacy, so that you can get the hell away from the computer and not be forced to subject yourself to the horrors that characterize popular culture. As for the rest of you, at least Stacy had an excuse. Turn off the computer. Go outside. Volunteer somewhere. Spread the word that paying even iota of attention to pop culture is a waste of precious life. If you can change but one heart, that's one less tree killed to create paper used to write these insipid letters to Who's News.