Who's News.

For newcomers to my blog, Who’s News features actual letters sent by actual readers to the Who’s News section of USA Weekend. Tremendous things are afoot in our world—avian flu, toxins released into a Chinese river, widespread wars, rapes, and murders—but what really matters to a surprising number of folks is popular culture, which in my mind is an oxymoron.

I am addicted to Fox's "Prison Break" and its handsome cast, particularly Wentworth Miller. With a name like Wentworth, he has got to go by a nickname. -Susan Fisher, Washington, PA

Oh yeah, Prison Break. The show that replaced Arrested Development—television’s funniest, most innovative, and well-written show—during the coveted Sweeps period. The time of the year when networks cater to the extra-chromosone crowd in order to garner an extra ratings point or two.

And lest anyone think I’m being overly-harsh, the following is Susan’s letter as originally written:
What's going on with Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth? Together or not? -Carol Schaefer, Wagener, SC

You raise an important point, Carol, and we here at Admin Worm thank you for your courage.

Iran and Israel are a powderkeg, plain and simple. As recently as a month ago, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Israel should be “wiped off the map.” Recent news reports indicate that Iran is moving full-speed ahead with plans to enrich uranium, thus giving them the potential to produce nuclear weap—

Wait a minute. You didn’t ask “What’s going on with Iran and Israel,” you asked “What’s going on with Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth,” didn’t you?

For that you receive this:

For what it’s worth, after Iran unleashes a torrent of nuclear weapons at Israel, not only will Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth “not be together,” but no one will. We’ll all be reduced to tiny, irradiated particles, and I hope and pray that none of those particles is big enough to wield a crayon or pencil and scrawl me another fucking Who’s News letter.

Is Republican Sen. John McCain actually eligible to run for the presidency? I thought he was born outside of the United States. -Tony Weber, San Mateo, CA

Think about it, Tony: the man wants to be president. Is there a greater reason for him not to be president?

Regarding the citizenship issue, here’s a still photo from McCain’s 1987 “Born in the USA” tour. You be the judge.

The photo graphically illustrates, by the way, the peculiar dermatological affliction causing McCain's head to be an entirely different color than his body. In medical circles, this is known as BloggerbadPhotoshopitis, and there is no known cure.

Did Matthew Perry, my favorite from Friends, ever get married? What is he doing now? -Betty Harrison, Battle Creek, MI

Uuuuh, boy… How do I say this? It’s always awkward when one person out of four billion doesn’t “get it,” and that person asks you to clarify.

Maybe I’d better let Matthew Perry tell you in his own words, Betty. Click this link:

http://matthewperryisgay.blogspot.com/

Everyone else, cover your ears. The “popping” sound you’re about to hear is Betty Harrison’s bubble being burst.

On Thanksgiving Day, I was thankful for the fact that we here at Admin Worm headquarters received considerably fewer Who’s News letters this week. Then I realized that’s ‘cuz it was a holiday, and there was no mail service. On Friday, our mail bins were overflowing, and I wept openly for several hours, while millions of other Americans were trampling old ladies in order to be first in line to purchase X Boxes.

Tragically, I'll see you next week for yet another Who's News.