Who's News.

Oops, they did it again. The folks at USA Weekend have failed to update the Who’s News section of their website for two weeks straight, meaning this morning I had to walk out to my porch—like a commoner—pick my paper up off the stoop, brush the snow from it, and read Who’s News in hard copy. That means no preparation; so what you’re about to read is a stream-of-consciousness rant against the societal cancer that is pop culture.

To reiterate for the two regulars—who obviously have poor memories because they keep coming back—and the one or two accidental viewers of this blog per week, these are actual letters sent by actual readers to Who’s News, the celebrity pop culture section of USA Weekend.

The Palestinians elected Hamas in a staggering and overwhelming victory last week; Hamas, of course, being a radical wing bent on the destruction of Israel. And Iran continues developing nuclear weapons, in defiance of the U.N., moving closer to its goal of wiping Israel off the map.

With that in mind: Let’s find out what’s happening in Hollywood as requested by couch-bound, morbidly-obese, trailer park dwelling Americans from across the fruited plain!

We loved The Closer, with Screen Actor’s Guild (SAG) Award winner nominee Kyra Sedgwick. When will it be back? — Susan Erickson, McAlester, OH

Yet another “we” letter. Apparently everyone in the assisted-living facility chipped in to ensure all the I’s were dotted and the T’s were crossed, but Susan was the only one capable of signing her name.

To answer your question, Susan, The Closer will not be back anytime soon due to the fact that as is so often the case, something embarrassing was drudged from Kara Sedgwick’s past and she is no longer welcome in the public eye. We refer to her role in the 2003 film Secondhand Lions, starring Robert Duvall, Michael Caine, Sedgwick, and inexplicably a post-pubescent Haley Joel Osment, best known for his role as the cute young boy who saw dead people in The Sixth Sense.

Osment, who once delighted audiences as a soft-spoken, physically-adorable little boy, repulsed audiences worldwide when he appeared on screen in Lions as a post-pubescent adolescent. What’s more, he played a role better-suited to a younger actor, which made many people wonder if the contract was executed before his pituitary kicked in and producers were obligated to use him in the role.

Regardless, everyone associated with the film—Duvall, Caine, Osment, and Kyra Sedgwick—have been blacklisted in Hollywood. The Closer may be back after an actress with some scruples is found to fill the starring role.

S. Epatha Merkerson was magnificent in HBO’s Lackawanna Blues and plays a wise lieutenant on Law and Order. But I’ve seen little about her background. — Beatrice Berry, Lakewood, NJ

Your letter presents a unique “teachable moment,” Beatrice.

Here’s your letter before Microsoft Word’s Thesaurus feature:

“S. Epatha Merkerson was really good in HBO’s Lackawanna Blues…”

And after…

“S. Epatha Merkerson was magnificent in HBO’s Lackawanna Blues…”

Before:

“…plays a really smart lieutenant…”

After:

“…plays a wise lieutenant…”

Microsoft: Helping people seem smarter for 20 years!

Anyway, S. Epatha Merkerson is from Alabama, an area known for its widespread poverty and lack of opportunity, particularly for people of color. Merkerson packed up her few belongings in 1991 and moved to Hollywood where she landed a bit part as a high school guidance counselor on The Cosby Show. After several more years of increasingly prominent roles she landed her big break: A starring role on Law and Order. Later she graduated to movie roles like Lackawanna Blues. Merkerson is seen as a role model for African-American actresses who all-too-often find the odds stacked against them in Tinsel Town.

My Internet connection is really slow today so I was unable to look that up. That’s probably pretty close, though.

Is Reese Witherspoon favored to win a SAG Award Sunday because she played against type as June Carter in Walk the Line? — James Berriman, Milwaukee, Wis.

“Against type.” You mean like Charlize Theron playing a repulsively ugly woman in “Monster”? Like Martin Sheen playing an educated man capable of rational thought and leadership in the West Wing?

Walk the Line presented Witherspoon simply the first in a string of projects guaranteed to break her history of playing stereotypical “dumb blondes." Here she’s shown as Adolph Hitler on the set of “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich,” a 12-part HBO series about Nazi Germany:

And here’s Witherspoon on-set of the Miramax production “Mother,” a dramatization of the life of Mother Teresa slated for release in 2007 (with a cameo by Gary Coleman, his first acting role in 13 years):

Finally, here’s Reese as a tree in an educational program she’s producing for PBS, teaching children about the dangers of global warming:

The SAG folks will probably be only slightly disappointed to discover that Witherspoon is also working on Sweet Home Alabama II and Legally Blonde III, but hey: A girl’s gotta eat.

Here’s a rare Who’s News interview with Jeff Margolis, the wizard behind the SAG Awards. He’s the producer who puts together the two-hour show. Here’s how he does it:

Who’s News: “What’s the secret to a great show?”

Jeff Margolis: “Cocaine. Just kidding: Meth is where it’s at in Hollywood now. Besides voluminous amounts of crystal, however, it boils down to shiny things and lots of motion. We’ve conducted eye movement tests on typical SAG viewers and found that their attention wanes after mere seconds without a sparkly gown or a dance number to hold their attention. We figure if a viewer clicks over to CNN for even 60 seconds and discovers that the Mideast is about to blow up, our goose is cooked. We need to make Mr. and Mrs. America believe that at least for that two-hour span, the SAG Awards are all that matters on this earth.”

Who’s News: “The show is known for its produced pieces. What do you have this year?”

Jeff Margolis: “This year we’re doing a musical number dedicated to Lackawanna Blues, featuring 40 dancers in blackface. We think this will be a great way to connect with black audiences and—” (At this moment Margolis’ assistant pulled the producer aside and frantically whispered into his ear)

“Right now,” Margolis continued sheepishly, “we’re sort of starting from scratch.”

Who’s News: Have you ever thought about having a single host, like the Oscars?

Jeff Margolis: No, God no. Again, in our rapid-fire culture people expect constant variety. This year we have an unprecedented 124 stars assuming hosting chores, some even taking over for others mid-sentence.

Who’s News: From nominations ‘til showtime you have just three to four weeks. Do you sleep?

Jeff Margolis: Nope. Two words: Methamphetamine. Is that two words? Or is it hyphenated? Regardless, by the end of this thing my bloodstream is so toxic that the Betty Ford Clinic won’t let me flush my stools: They have to be collected in plastic bags and disposed of as hazardous waste lest they release psychotropic substances into the water supply. That’s all we’d need is for half of Hollywood to be under the influence of drugs, right?

Well, there you have it. Print out this page and keep it handy during the SAG Awards tonight, highlighting the parts about Hamas and Iran. If you see flashes of light outside your living room window, don’t automatically assume its celebratory fireworks in honor of another awards show well done; it could be mushroom clouds signaling the end of Israel and the beginning of the End of All Things.

On the off-chance we survive another week, we’ll be here next week—same time, same place—with another mind-numbing edition of Who’s News.