Don't panic.

I can just hear everyone: "There he goes again."

Please don't worry. I'm not in the depths of depression or anything like that. No window ledges, no Russian Roulette with all chambers full. I appreciate (as always) the kind comments and e-mails.

It's circumstances, plain and simple. There are a lot of things that have suddenly blown up in my life the past week or so. For all intents and purposes, everything I heretofore took for granted as being stable has been rendered quite the opposite, and I don’t know which way to turn. I do know that posting a nutty blog every day currently ranks 100th on a list of 50 things to do. Not that this isn’t important, but I’m recalling a quote from the book “The White Mountains” by John Christopher which encapsulates a view of psychology I learned about recently:

“While it’s true that man does not live by bread alone, nonetheless it is bread he must have first.”

In other words, I have other needs which require more immediate attention than the blog.

On the plus side, my “real” writing has, in my opinion, started to take off. I’ve discovered that when real life gets out of my control, the one thing I can control—my writing—becomes even more precious to me. I’ve got an unprecedented four columns for the Stillwater Gazette in the can, which means even if I do get utterly depressed or experience mega-writer's block during the next month, I’m covered.

Monday was my first official “group meeting” at Bible study and I became quite frustrated. I was surrounded by about a dozen men who are clearly “filled by the Spirit,” whatever that means. They refer to the Bible as “the Word,” they talk about being “receptive to the Holy Ghost,” and to my dismay I’ve discovered that the moderator of the group has clearly been given a “pat” answer when anything remotely philosophical comes up:

“We’ll just have to ask God about that when we see him.”

Now, I can hear my Christian brethren saying “Admin Worm, that’s the way it’s supposed to be. There are mysteries that the human brain was not created to ponder. Let go and let God.”

To which I would reply that I am quite aware I will never solve the mystery of life. However, I firmly believe that if God was kind (or cruel) enough to provide me a brain capable of at least realizing such mysteries exist, then he sure as heck wouldn’t begrudge my desire to discuss them with other rational adults. I don't want or intend to solve it, I just want to talk about it.

Yesterday was just an awful day. I thought Tuesday was officially the worst day of my life, and then yesterday happened. I was near the end of my rope. I am hereby confessing to you all—yes, all four regular Admin Worm readers—that I literally got on my knees and cried to God. I told him (yes, him…get over it) that I needed him to toss me a bone yesterday. Some clue that he knew how I was feeling and gave a crap.

So, yesterday I received my monthly copy of “Decision” magazine, a Billy Graham Ministries publication, which my mom has been providing me for years but I never really read, being a little nervous about all that “God stuff.” I read an interview with a psychologist named Larry Crabb who founded New Way Ministries. I was expecting the typical feel-good Christian spiel: “Accept Christ in your heart and your life will be changed immediately!”

I was stunned, therefore, to read that Crabb fully acknowledges that life (I’m paraphrasing) sucks. Plain and simple it sucks, and may very well suck ‘til the end of your days. Some people experience epiphanies, other people struggle through life never even being convinced that God exists, let alone cares.

Here’s an excerpt that I found particularly enlightening:

“In some ways, I think the Christian who is disappointed with the Christian life is on the way to true maturity. Paul, in Romans 8, talks about groaning. I think if we met the Apostle Paul, he might say, 'Yes, the power of Christ moves through me, but don’t assume that that is an ecstatic experience…. I’m lonely. I’m cold. This is really hard. But I’m deeply content in any circumstances.'”

Crabb goes on to say that the word content “doesn’t mean feeling good. If you look at the Greek for the word, it isn’t an emotional word. It is a purposeful word that says ‘I have the resources within me to persevere, no matter what.’ The person who is not groaning is not facing reality, because the Bible says that the whole creation is groaning.”

Jackpot.

For years I’ve wondered just what the hell is wrong with me for not feeling the joy normally associated with being a Christian. I wondered why God didn’t give a crap; why he allowed me to spend entire days, weeks, and months with barely enough energy to survive, let alone live. Reading that interview made me realize that maybe I’m not alone after all. That for whatever reason, the strength (albeit seemingly minute) I’m receiving is all I’m entitled to right now.

I think of countless days from the past decade that have been nearly unbearable; numerous trips to the restroom to cry my eyes out during work; performing with my bands after spending pre-show time weeping and cutting my wrists; or times alone cradling my cat, his fur absorbing my tears, wondering why he was seemingly the only creature in this world that cared about what happened to me. Now I realize that it’s an imperfect world, and for whatever reason(s) the connection from God to me is a tenuous one, so the most he can manage for me is to help me take my next breath. And the thing is, that may be all I ever get. Realizing it, though, seems half the battle.

The movie “Fight Club” talks about the necessity of “hitting bottom” before any real progress can be made in a person’s life. These last couple of days have proved that to a degree. I’ve no doubt I can sink even lower and probably will, but for the first time in my life I’m able to look in the mirror and know that the balding, jaded, angry person reflected isn’t in control of anything. No amount of worry or thinking or planning will change that. In a span of two days I’ve discovered that relationships, jobs, health, and life are fickle things, and no amount of worry or effort on my part can make a whit’s difference either way.

I leave you with two quotes from Fight Club. Two weeks in Bible study and I’m quoting Fight Club. Now that’s progress:

“It's only after we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything.”

“Congratulations. You're one step closer to hitting bottom.”