This week's Gazette Column.
LETTERS TO UNTAMBE
Some of my recent columns have made readers think I don’t have a heart. Therefore, this week’s column is an assortment of letters I’ve recently sent to Untambe, the African child I sponsor. Would a heartless cad be so benevolent? I think not.
By the way, I have to take issue with Sally Struthers; at no time did her advertisements insinuate that “the price of a cup of coffee” meant a Starbucks Vente Caramel High Rise with an add-shot. I was thinking more like a buck-fifty and almost canceled the sponsorship, but then my church bulletin printed a blurb about it so I felt obligated.
Dear Untambe,
I’m writing this letter on a new $350 laptop computer! You should get one. I don’t mean to be picky, but sometimes the banana skins you write your letters on are hard to read.
Anyway, I got my laptop at a post-Thanksgiving sale. There were only 30 available and 500 people fought for them. I think I might have inadvertently hurt an old lady in the process, but thankfully Americans aren’t burdened by a sense of duty to their elders, unlike some backward countries I could mention. Just kidding!
Actually, the computer cost $425 but there was a $75 rebate that I couldn’t figure out for the life of me. Do you have rebates there? If not, you’re lucky. They’re impossible. Sometimes I envy you having more down-to-earth struggles; you may think a civil war is a lot to contend with, but just try figuring out a rebate form.
Dear Untambe,
I was flattered that you took time to respond to my last letter even though an attack by rebel soldiers forced the evacuation of your village. Your bravery is inspiring; therefore I decided to write to you today even though I am really busy Christmas shopping.
I stopped at Starbucks on the way to the mall and my low-fat, half-caf pumpkin spice latte had a big glob of whipped cream on it even though I clearly told the clerk “No whip.” Do you have Starbucks there? Do they screw up your order every time, too? I was really bummed out about it, so I told the manager and got a free drink coupon.
Wow, sorry to hear that half your refugee camp has AIDS. I’m so glad we don’t AIDS in America anymore. It’s so 1980’s. Of course, here in Minnesota we recently had a couple cases of polio, which is so 1880’s. He he he!
Dear Untambe,
My wife and I are watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith tonight, starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I think Angelina adopted a couple kids from your village. Or maybe they were Asian. Is Asia located in your country? Anyway, do you know about the Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing? Angelina Jolie is a home-wrecker and I don’t care who knows it.
Are your mom and sister still missing? Wow, it must be really weird having your family kidnapped in the middle of the night. Still, how cool to have the hut all to yourself. When I was your age, my family really got on my nerves hovering all the time.
Dear Untambe,
Settle a bet: Do you have dentists over there? I was talking to a friend and he thinks you probably don’t since you don’t even have food. Not eating is probably good for your teeth; yours always look so white in the pictures you send, at least on the rare occasions you actually smile. Why don’t you smile more? If someone were buying me a cup of coffee each month, I’d be
smiling!
Here in America we have this thing called “gentle dentistry.” I heard a radio commercial where a dentist promised to treat dental problems “without put-downs or insults.” I hope if your country has dentists that they’re not rude like ours.
Dear Untambe,
I’m almost done with my shopping. Do you celebrate Christmas there? I’m not sure what to get you. Your last letter said everything I send gets stolen by soldiers at the border, so I don’t know if I should bother. Hey, here’s an idea: I could sponsor another African child on your behalf! How cool would that be? Maybe someone in the same camp so I can save some postage.
Anyway, if you celebrate Christmas, have a merry one. What a bummer that someone planted mines around the perimeter of your encampment. I hope someone removes them before Santa’s sleigh arrives. You wouldn’t want to be responsible for Santa getting blown up, would you?
Just kidding. Try to write more; I don’t mind sending money each month, but a thank you now and then would be nice. And turn that frown upside-down, at least for the next picture. My friends are wondering why I support such a depressed poor kid.
Regards, tb
Some of my recent columns have made readers think I don’t have a heart. Therefore, this week’s column is an assortment of letters I’ve recently sent to Untambe, the African child I sponsor. Would a heartless cad be so benevolent? I think not.
By the way, I have to take issue with Sally Struthers; at no time did her advertisements insinuate that “the price of a cup of coffee” meant a Starbucks Vente Caramel High Rise with an add-shot. I was thinking more like a buck-fifty and almost canceled the sponsorship, but then my church bulletin printed a blurb about it so I felt obligated.
Dear Untambe,I’m writing this letter on a new $350 laptop computer! You should get one. I don’t mean to be picky, but sometimes the banana skins you write your letters on are hard to read.
Anyway, I got my laptop at a post-Thanksgiving sale. There were only 30 available and 500 people fought for them. I think I might have inadvertently hurt an old lady in the process, but thankfully Americans aren’t burdened by a sense of duty to their elders, unlike some backward countries I could mention. Just kidding!
Actually, the computer cost $425 but there was a $75 rebate that I couldn’t figure out for the life of me. Do you have rebates there? If not, you’re lucky. They’re impossible. Sometimes I envy you having more down-to-earth struggles; you may think a civil war is a lot to contend with, but just try figuring out a rebate form.
Dear Untambe,
I was flattered that you took time to respond to my last letter even though an attack by rebel soldiers forced the evacuation of your village. Your bravery is inspiring; therefore I decided to write to you today even though I am really busy Christmas shopping.
I stopped at Starbucks on the way to the mall and my low-fat, half-caf pumpkin spice latte had a big glob of whipped cream on it even though I clearly told the clerk “No whip.” Do you have Starbucks there? Do they screw up your order every time, too? I was really bummed out about it, so I told the manager and got a free drink coupon.
Wow, sorry to hear that half your refugee camp has AIDS. I’m so glad we don’t AIDS in America anymore. It’s so 1980’s. Of course, here in Minnesota we recently had a couple cases of polio, which is so 1880’s. He he he!
Dear Untambe,My wife and I are watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith tonight, starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I think Angelina adopted a couple kids from your village. Or maybe they were Asian. Is Asia located in your country? Anyway, do you know about the Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing? Angelina Jolie is a home-wrecker and I don’t care who knows it.
Are your mom and sister still missing? Wow, it must be really weird having your family kidnapped in the middle of the night. Still, how cool to have the hut all to yourself. When I was your age, my family really got on my nerves hovering all the time.
Dear Untambe,
Settle a bet: Do you have dentists over there? I was talking to a friend and he thinks you probably don’t since you don’t even have food. Not eating is probably good for your teeth; yours always look so white in the pictures you send, at least on the rare occasions you actually smile. Why don’t you smile more? If someone were buying me a cup of coffee each month, I’d be
smiling!Here in America we have this thing called “gentle dentistry.” I heard a radio commercial where a dentist promised to treat dental problems “without put-downs or insults.” I hope if your country has dentists that they’re not rude like ours.
Dear Untambe,
I’m almost done with my shopping. Do you celebrate Christmas there? I’m not sure what to get you. Your last letter said everything I send gets stolen by soldiers at the border, so I don’t know if I should bother. Hey, here’s an idea: I could sponsor another African child on your behalf! How cool would that be? Maybe someone in the same camp so I can save some postage.
Anyway, if you celebrate Christmas, have a merry one. What a bummer that someone planted mines around the perimeter of your encampment. I hope someone removes them before Santa’s sleigh arrives. You wouldn’t want to be responsible for Santa getting blown up, would you?Just kidding. Try to write more; I don’t mind sending money each month, but a thank you now and then would be nice. And turn that frown upside-down, at least for the next picture. My friends are wondering why I support such a depressed poor kid.
Regards, tb
posted by Admin Worm at 6:40 PM
<< Home