Who's News.

Your weekly dose of popular culture. To reiterate, these are real letters sent by real readers to the Who's News section of USA Weekend. Names have been changed to protect the innocent; more specifically, to protect me from libel suits.

What can you tell me about Chris Noth, who played Mr. Big in "Sex and the City?" -Lance Samuelson, Oakland, CA

Surprisingly, Chris Noth is a bit of a shut-in. He lives in a decrepit trailer on the west end of his mother’s property; a one-time farm which is now a graveyard for appliances, broken-down automobiles, and stray dogs looking for a place to die. Noth’s trailer contains little more than an army-issue cot and a hot plate; the latter never used since Noth takes his meals silently with his mother in the main house. Noth has never had a date, choosing instead to create elaborate fantasy relationships in his head with various female celebrities he sees in the pages of six-month old People magazines he retrieves from the trash bin behind a local pediatrician’s office, at least ‘til he’s shooed away by staff who threaten to notify the police. This is no idle threat given Noth’s lengthy record of exposing himself to school-age children.

Sound familiar, Lance? That’s no surprise since I’m actually describing you. Chris Noth is having the time of his life, utilizing his God-given talents and relishing each and every breath he takes. You, on the other hand, could never quite get your footing. You’ve dropped out of two 18-month programs at an Oakland community college—one for electronics repair, the other for French cooking—and have been hired and fired by most of the small businesses in your area, performing a string of odd jobs that amounted to little money and zero satisfaction. Your sole interaction with other humans are the wordless meals with your mother, spent watching Sex and the City reruns on her 11-inch black and white television; at least on nights when the rabbit ears receive something other than that Spanish station out of nearby Emeryville.

What can I tell you about Chris Noth, Lance? I can tell you that even though he is wholly unaware of your pitiful existence, some instinct in him causes him to express silent gratitude each and every day for the fact that he’s not you.

Meredith Vieira, a host of "The View" and "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," is hot. I notice she doesn't wear a wedding ring. Is she married? -Chad Knudson, North Fort Myers, FL

Chad, your inquiry was one of the few submissions I received via e-mail this week. Usually, Who’s News readers choose to send letters the old-fashioned way: crayons and construction paper, often fashioned into crude heart-shapes with safety-scissors.

Anyway, your e-mail address is c_knudson@supamerica.com, and after a little digging Admin Worm staffers discovered that you are a proud Super America store manager in North Fort Myers. You even appeared in one of SA’s infamous commercials featuring “real” Super America employees, boasting that you ensure your customers a piping hot cappuccino, any size, for only 79-cents, and that part of your job is shilling two-for-ninety-nine-cent hot dogs.

The good news: you have a stable position in a solid company and you’re closing in on that coveted $39,000 per year mark. The bad news: Meredith Vieira saw your commercial while watching a taped copy of “The View” with her manager, and they both ridiculed you mercilessly. What’s more, Vieira doesn’t just host “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,” she intends to marry a millionaire. At your current salary you’re not liable to fall into that category anytime soon, unless you have some secret to living 300 years, and I’m betting that secret doesn't include ingesting artery-clogging hot dogs comprised of mystery meat.

If it’s any consolation, my cappuccino this morning fucking rocked!

I saw Jewel in an acoustic concert, and I was taken by her beautiful voice and the intimacy of the venue. Will she consider doing another acoustic tour? -Eugene Garrison Woodland, CA

Yes Eugene, I’m sure you were taken in by Jewel’s “beautiful voice” and that the “twins” had nothing to do with the attraction.

Anyway, Jewel—who once lived in her van before hitting the big-time*—is touring “intimate” venues, as you say, and it reminds me of a scene in the movie This is Spinal Tap where the band’s manager, Ian, says that their popularity isn’t waning; rather “their appeal is becoming more selective.”

It’s over for Jewel, Eugene. Do yourself a favor and join the rest of us on the Shakira bandwagon, if there’s room.

*Federal Law requires that any mention of Jewel reiterate that she once lived in a goddamned van.

What are my two favorite special agents, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, up to now? Is that David's voice on the new Pedigree dog food commercials? Paul Peterson, Lake Havasu City, AZ

I should be a palm reader, since my face is buried in my hands so often.

I realize you’re being “cute” with the “special agents” reference, but Judas Priest Paul: they’re actors. The X-Files was a television show, and aliens don’t exist, except the ones who pick cantaloupes in California.

It’s doubtful that it’s David Duchovny’s voice you hear on the Pedigree dog food commercial, unless he has the worst accountant in the world, or the most persuasive agent. “David, I have a great opportunity for you to get back into the public eye: Lend your voice—not your face but just your voice—to shill fucking kibble.”

God almighty, Paul: if you were married to Tea Leoni and had ten million dollars in the bank, would you hole up in a recording studio to record a dog food commercial?

As far as Gillian Anderson, Admin Worm staffers were unable to discover exactly what she’s up to these days, but we hope beyond hope that she’s attending speech therapy to correct that “Lazy S” that America seemed to find endearing but that drove us all fucking crazy.

Homework…finals…holidays…meeting after meeting with probation officers…these are all things that must be attended to and thus cut into precious “Who’s News” time. Still, today’s edition wasn’t bad for one hour and six cups of coffee on a Sunday morning, eh? Well, unless Russia’s recent sale of a billion dollars worth of weapons to Iran culminates in attack on Israel leading to the End of All Things, thousands of idiots will submit pop culture questions to Who’s News this week, and we’ll answer as many as we can before our tears at mankind’s stupidity short out yet another keyboard necessitating a trip to Radio Shack, which will further erode our faith in humanity, and thus the cycle continues.