Who's News.

Sorry, busy week. Not a lot of time for ruminating, but there's always time for Who's News. After all, if people can take a moment out of their dreary lives and write letters asking nonsensical questions about pop culture, then I can surely take a moment or two to cut them down to size.

These are real questions sent by real people to the Who's News section of USA Weekend...

What is former Olympic skater Tara Lipinski doing now? ‑ Susan Salisbury, Palm Coast, FL

Tara Lipinski—who, as you may recall, had an embarrassing incident of drinking in public—is now focusing on her true passion: Drinking in private. Lipinski whiles away her time and the millions of dollars she amassed as a professional figure skater by ingesting alarming amounts of alcohol, watching old VHS tapes of her numerous appearances as an actress. She had appearances on such shows as Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Veronica's Closet, Early Edition and 7th Heaven.

Lipinski is shown here both in a 2001 Red Carpet photo taken at the Golden Globe Awards and in a 2005 mugshot snapped by L.A. police after Lipinski got her 17th violation for double-parking outside a liquor store where she loads up on her weekly supply of booze:

Is Chris Tucker planning to return to the big screen? ‑Catherine Berry, Belleville, MI

I assume you’re asking so that you can afford the theater at all costs, Catherine. Unless of course you’re the type who enjoys writhing through 90 minutes of Tucker’s incessant, tiresome mugging.

Anyway, Tucker won’t grace the big screen anytime soon. He has sequestered himself in South Africa where he’s taking an indefinite break from show business. I know what you’re thinking: That’s Dave Chappelle, you idiot. Give me some credit: I’ve been writing gossip for months.

Chris Tucker has a suite at the Palace of the Lost City resort where he is treated like a king, enjoying daily spa treatments and banquet-like meals, and he intends to stay there until just the right Rush Hour sequel script is created.

“I have some scruples,” said Tucker, munching grapes delicately placed into his mouth by a topless, tanned 17-year old resort worker. “I’m not going to put my name on the marquee on just any piece of Hollywood tripe, like ‘Daddy Day Care VII.’ Tell you what, let’s make a deal: You let me know when the script is ready, and I’ll tell you when I see Chappelle, the gloomy bastard. You hear those hammers pounding, Chappelle? That’s Hollywood reinforcing their levees, because everyone is crying a river for you, you pampered bastard.”

One of my favorite movies is "Ordinary People," for which Timothy Hutton won an Academy Award. Has he been in anything recently? ‑Sally Timmerman, Athens, GA

Yes, he's been in something: His palatial estate, polishing his Oscar to a lustrous sheen, waiting for the phone to ring. “I’ll do anything to get back in the public eye,” said Hutton nervously, “Anything. You understand me? I’ll even put on blackface and do ‘Daddy Day Care VII.’ Just find me a paying gig, for Christ's sake. I don't want to put my Oscar on Ebay.”

Author’s note: That’s the second reference in two weeks to blackface, and I only use it to make people uncomfortable. Plus, I love this picture.

With all the hurricane devastation in the South, I am surprised that we didn't see or hear from Jimmy Carter. Are he and his wife OK? ‑Julie Ferrell, Willowick, OH

Carter and his wife, June Carter, are fine: But their house is in shambles. Carter is more than a little pissed off by the fact that despite his years of service to “Habitat for Humanity,” a charity providing homes to the disadvantaged, he can’t seem to get anyone to commit to helping him rebuild. “I called six or seven Habitat recipients and explained my situation, and though they all sympathized I couldn’t pin them down on a day to come help me out,” said Carter bitterly, crossing another name off his list of potential helpers. “They all say ‘I’d love to, but I have to mow the lawn this weekend,’ or ‘We’re remodeling the kitchen.’ The lawn and kitchen of the homes I built for them, I might add!"

“Built for peanuts?” we asked wryly.

“It’s over for the peanut jokes,” seethed Carter, “I haven’t farmed peanuts for 30 years and I’m a little sick of the references. And Billy is dead too, so don’t ask how he is.”

If you would like to contribute to the Jimmy/June Carter rebuilding fund, go to Habitat for Humanity and click on “Down and out former presidents.”

Am I having a senior moment? I say that SAG Award nominee Ian McShane, star of "Deadwood," also was in "Lovejoy" in his younger days. Am I right? ‑Betty Nelson, Rock Hill, S.C.

Two answers, Betty. First, Ian McShane was indeed in Lovejoy when he was younger. Second, you are tragically having (yet another) senior moment. You don’t remember, but immediately after penning this letter to Who’s News you then mistook your male nurse for your high school boyfriend, chatting excitedly with him for a half hour about the upcoming senior prom. You then placed a box of old photos on the hotplate in your room at the assisted living center, nearly setting the entire place alight. Then you buried your face in your hands wondering why your husband hasn’t visited you recently, forgetting that he passed away 11 years ago.

Kind of a downer, eh? But chin up, Betty: You won’t remember it in ten minutes!

Special note: Regular readers of the Admin Worm blog know that my disdain for pop culture ends when I happen to like an artist, movie or television show. With that said, I’d like to express my true sadness at the passing of Al “Grandpa Munster” Lewis, who died yesterday at age 95. When I was a junior high school student I would rush home after school to watch Leave it to Beaver and the Munsters back-to-back. The Munsters provided me some of the greatest entertainment I ever enjoyed, and I wish Lewis’ family and fans the best as they grieve his passing.