Who's News.

Back by popular demand…okay, I received one e-mail, and it was Spam…but I’ll take that as a sign you’re all craving your pop culture fix for the week. So, here’s the Admin Worm take on Who’s News, the weekly celebrity gossip section of USA Weekend. Again, these are real letters sent by real people who really care about this tripe.

Don Johnson is still a heartthrob for me. What's the latest on him personally and professionally? -Susan Williams, Lake Havasu City, AZ

Well, Susan…do you want the bad news or the bad news?

First, Don Johnson got hitched in 1992, so he’s officially off the market romantically. Sorry to burst your bubble. However, if it’s any consolation, he wasn’t likely to take a wrong turn in Albuquerque and park his BMW roadster in front of your trailer house asking for directions, so you probably did well marrying Hank from Jiffy Lube.

Second, Johnson isn’t only off the market, he bats for the other team. He married none other than his Miami Vice co-star Philip Michael Thomas in a private civil ceremony in Hollywood, where the two share a small bungalow. Two strikes, Susan: light in the loafers and an incurable case of Jungle Fever.

Professionally, Johnson is experiencing a career boost, riding the wave of 80’s nostalgia that is sweeping the nation. He has re-released his 1987 single “Heartbeat,” remixed for our hip-hop culture by none other than Chuck D, formerly of Public Enemy.

When can we expect a new season of Larry David's "Curb Your Enthusiasm" on HBO? -Marilyn Kelly, Chicago

Who’s News staffers worked diligently this week to answer your question, Marilyn. Numerous calls to Larry David’s publicist yielded no response. Our “mole” at the HBO network was unsuccessful in obtaining inside information on the show. In a move we’re not proud of, the Who’s News staff even went so far as to approach several cast members—including Cheryl Hines, Jeff Garlin, and Richard Lewis—at their homes, like common paparazzi, to get the inside scoop. No luck.

Finally, our intern Jeremy said “How ‘bout we look in TV Guide?” We did, and discovered the new season begins tonight.

What happened to Patricia Richardson, who was on Lifetime's "Strong Medicine?" Did she not renew a contract, or did she go to a new TV program? -Gina Johansen, Bossier City, LA

There are several relief organizations that can help, Gina. The Red Cross, for example, has set up numerous places in your area where you and your family can obtain food, water and medical supplies. The critical step in rebuilding your lives, of course, is to…

Whoops, sorry. We thought your letter was from the half of Louisiana that was dealing with real problems, Gina, not the half that can still afford to piss away their lives watching made-for-television pap on the Lifetime Network, eating Häagen-Dazs by the gallon.

Here’s a thought, Gina: how’s about you turn off the tube, load up the station wagon, and head to New Orleans to lend a hand? Patricia Richardson makes a couple million a day off Home Improvement reruns so she needs neither your money nor adoration.

I am a fan of Fox's medical show "House" because of Robert Sean Leonard. Info, please. -Renee Russel, Olympia, Wash.

Okay, Renee: here’s some info. First, here’s a Community College in your area:

South Puget Sound Community College.

Here’s a link to some attractions in Olympia which may save you a bedsore or two:

Shit to do outside your trailer.

Here’s a link to the Big Brothers Big Sisters program in your area:

Get the hell out of your house.

Finally, if those don’t work, try this:

Quit wasting precious oxygen.

Probably not the “info” you had in mind, Renee, but it may ultimately prove more useful to you than watching the exploits of a crabby TV doctor week after week.

Is that horsemen in the sky? No? It’s a plane? Crap. Well, I guess that means your letters will keep rolling in, so unless my Russian Roulette club holds an emergency meeting next weekend, Who’s News will once again provide its unique insights into the world of pop culture, or as we call it The Devil’s Cesspool.